Press statement from Birch!!

Press Statement from Matthew Birch 12 March 2008

"Due to forces outside of my control my position on the board as Financial Director has become untenable and I have submitted my immediate resignation to the Chairman. Over the last few weeks decisions have been made without my consultation affect the solid financial position of the club. I cannot continue to serve the club and deliver financial stability under these circumstances. Since I took the position some two years ago the club has been transformed from near bankruptcy to a solid financial base with good prospects for long-term profitability. At the time of my resignation I was in advanced talks with a middle eastern investment agency about providing unrivalled investment into the club.

Until a new Financial Director is appointed the team manager 'Dodgy' Dave will be in charge of the books. Please note that I will continue to play for the team as their star performer although a serious injury will limit my availability for the rest of the season."

Basically, Birch the tight arse, is devoting more time to finding a tight arse...

New Year's Eve - The Wheatsheaf Zammo

Just say no!!!

New Year's Eve - The Wheatsheaf (3)

New Years Eve - The Wheatsheaf (1)

Here is the first video of New Year's Eve at the Wheatsheaf. So it's taken so long! Keep an eye out for Tucker in the video's. These should be shown to kids in school. Just say no!!!!

The Sheaf really are The Jeykkyl and Hyde of the sunday league as this 90 minute performance showed. The old cliche "its a game of 2 halves" sums it up perfectly. Having already lost once to the same opposition a testing game was expected. With regular Number 1, Eddie Whiffin, unavailable the energy of Russ Chandler was sacrificed for his ability between the sticks. This move saw Lee Baldwin switch to partner Richie Sherwell up front and Shacks coming back on the right hand side of midfield.With some rather bizarre pitch markings in place (thank you Villa and Birch) the game kicked off. A scrappy opening saw The Hope break at pace once or twice only to be thwarted by a swarm of orange shirts. The games first chance fell to The Sheaf from a corner when a shot was blocked in the 6 yard box. Having conceded 3 times from their own corners in the corresponding fixture the ever reliable Shane Sutton was left to organise the defence to stop the breakaways. The best chance of the first half was created by Shacks minutes later as his ball in from the right found Sherwell who connected well with a volley which flew over the bar. With the chances missed The Sheaf became more and more nervy resulting in misplaced passes and poor ball retention. The Hope created a good chance when the fleet footed stiker played a neat 1-2 with a team mate and lifted the ball over the onrushing Russ but luckily for The Sheaf the ball clipped the top of the bar and went over. Another good chance for The Hope saw Russ stranded but Bill having taken up a good position was back to clear the ball off the line.The half finished with The Hope on top but The Sheaf are resilient these days and that doggedness meant it remained 0-0 at half time.With the team knowing they had underperformed not much needed saying by the gaffer. A few points were raised and taken on board as the teams re-took the field for the 2nd half.I don't know what it is with The Sheaf but they always seem to perform better after the break. As poor as they were in the 1st half they were equally as good in the 2nd as the game was completely transformed.The impressive Lee Baldwin opened the scoring after an intricate passage of play with a superb curling shot which left the keeper with no chance. It could have been 2 moments later as a great ball in from Villa found Sherwell whose 1st time effort went agonisingly wide of the goal. Villa again was heavily involved moments later bursting forward from his own half with the ball he just ran and ran (bit like Forrest Gump), he used Sherwell by not using him (bit like Lineker) and parted the defence like the Red Sea (bit like Moses). The comparisons were not finished there because having found himself on the edge of the area, having run fully 60 yards he produced a sublime chip (bit like Phillipe Albert) only to be denied what would have been a serious goal of the season contender as the ball was just inches too high clipping the bar and going over. The Hope had a chance to equalise from a free kick the strike beating the wall and the keeper but coming back off the bar.Soon it was to be 2-0 this time Sherwell connecting well with another volley saw the ball squirm under the body of the keeper and in to the back of the net.2 soon became 3 and I have to admit getting carried away with emotion to forgetting the order of the goals - I think it was Bill who got the next from a corner - a good finish - he is becoming prolific.At this point Scott Adams was brought in to the fray to man mark the tricky striker as the formation changed to 5-4-1. Scott Taylor introduced shortly afterwards as the gaffer freshened things up.This didn't stop the flow of goals as from another corner the ball fell to Shane Sutton (Bill having stayed back for once) on the edge of area and his shot went over the defender on the line in to the top corner - another good goal.As The Hope pushed for a consolation The Sheaf caught them on the break and a ball from Baldwin saw Sherwell latch onto it knock it round the keeper and produce a good finish just inside the post - the placement good enough to beat the defenders last ditch attempt to clear.What a 2nd half performance - 5 goals, chance after chance created another 3 points and the long unbeaten run extended. The orange kit once again proving a lucky omen as The Sheaf yet to taste defeat wearing it.
Russ 7 (not much to do - saved by the bar on 2 occassions)
Birch 7 (solid - didn't give much away)
Gav 7.5 (defended well - couple more assists)
Raggy 7.5 (kept going against the tricky striker)
Bill 8 (reliable and keeps chipping in with important goals)
Shacks 7 (worked hard for the team closing down)
Shane 7.5 (forming a good partnership with Benny)
Benny 7.5 (never gave in - another hardworking performance)
Villa 8.5 (Brilliant crosses and through balls. Unlucky with mazy run and chip)
Lee 8.5 (started it all off with his wonder goal) MOM
Sherwell 7.5 (seems to score the more difficult chances!!)
Scott A 6.5 (solid but not on for long enough to make an impression)
Scott T 6.5 (as above)Thanks to Russ for going in goal and Vinny Donavan for running the line.

West Dean 0 - Wheatsheaf 3

The Sheaf faced a tricky looking fixture on the infamous sloping pitch against 1 of only 2 teams to have beaten them in the league. With the team in good form it was hoped they could gain revenge and keep pressure on Angmering at the top of the league.The absence of Scott Adams saw Gavin Sutton return to the starting line up with Birch switching to right back and Raggy partnering Bill at centre half. Vinny Donavan took his place on the bench after his midweek signing. The manager in his pre match team talk emphasised the need for Shane and Benny to win the midfield battle "keep Borat quiet and we have a chance" he said.Predictably West Dean dominated possession early in the game, The Sheaf struggling to adapt to the playing surface. The home team constantly playing the ball up the slope and attacking Birch at right full back. For all their possession they struggled to create any clear cut chances with Bill and Raggy resolute at the heart of the defence and Shane and Benny working hard. Indeed as Lee Baldwin started to drop deep helping Birch West Dean's supply became stiffled. The Sheaf began to win the 50/50 tackles in the centre of the park - Benny in particular putting himself about. A good burst forward frome Shane almost resulted in the opening goal. As half time approached The Sheaf forced a corner. Gav Sutton once more put over a great ball and Bill timing his run perfectly met it with a thumping header to put them 1 up. The Sheaf had held firm and managed to get in front at half time. The manager keen to keep everyone on their guard told the team to expect an early onslaught at the start of the 2nd half.As it turned out it was The Sheaf doing the attacking in the early stages. The ball found its way to Villa about 30 yards from goal - his well struck shot was parried by the keeper and the ball fell kindly to Sherwell following up to rifle into the unguarded net. 2-0 - dream start to the half.The 2nd goal seemed to knock the stuffing out of West Dean and The Sheaf were now well on top. They had chances to add to the tally but a combination of poor finishing, wrong pass choice or penalty appeals turned down meant that the score remained 2-0.By this point Benny and Shane were dominant against an unuasually quiet Borat. With 20 minutes to go the manager brought on Shacks for the tiring Shane who had been unwell all week - a great performance from him considering.As the game drew to a close Vinny was also given his debut replacing Sherwell up front.Indeed Vinny got himself involved as The Sheaf rounded off the scoring - getting up well at the back post only to see his header well saved by the keeper. There was Bill on hand to score his 2nd - comparisons with "Legohead" Lescott for his goalscoring exploits from centre half.Final score 3-0 to The Sheaf - a very good team performance with everyone working hard for each other. The manager was well chuffed and pointed out that team spirit is high as the unbeaten run goes on. Another difficult game faced The Sheaf next week against the other team to beat them, The Hope but on this perfomance who would back against them??
Eddie 7 (generous as I don't remember him saving a shot)
Birch 7 (tricky opening - performance got better as the game went on)
Gav 7.5 (solid in defence linked with Villa well overlapping)
Raggy 7.5 (didn't put a foot wrong in 1st game at centre half for a while)
Bill 8 (what can you say? solid at the back AND scores goals)
Lee 8.5 (tracked back well - good on the ball going forward) MOM
Shane 8 (every team needs a Shane - integral part of the team)
Benny 8.5 (best game of the season - pipped to MOM)
Villa 8 (good outlet - rarely gives the ball away cheaply)
Russ 8 (worked hard without the reward of a goal)
Sherwell 7.5 (right place right time - livelier than in previos weeks)
Shacks 7 (got forward well should have had a penalty)
Vinny 7 (not on for long but got involved)

Wheatsheaf 5 - The Claremont 1

Another home game against a team with improved form recently left The Sheaf not really knowing what to expect as they met The Claremont for the first time this season. Would they field the county league players at their disposal or would it be a mix of the inbreds and reprobates that normally frequent the pub??The Sheaf were struggling to field a team - Shacks dropping out with a cold and Gav Sutton with an ankle injury (although Sheiks-itus seemed more likely). To add to this Villa failed to shrug off an ankle injury playing for his 12th different saturday team of the season the day before.With only 11 players this meant that Villa would have to start in goal with Eddie up front - far from ideal!! An emergency phone call was put in to the veteran Raggy who thankfully said he would come ASAP.The game kicked off and with a make shift team The Sheaf struggled to impose themselves. Chances were few and far between. The Claremont although lacking in quality looked organised at the back. Raggy turned up about 15 minutes into the game, Villa coming off - Eddie back in goal - Raggy in an unfamiliar role on the right handside of midfield as Russ Chandler pushed up front. The shape of the team looking much better The Sheaf gradually began to improve. Rich Sherwell having a couple of good chances to put them ahead. The Claremont managed to hold out and at half time there was no score.The 2nd half began with The Sheaf on top - chances came and went and it was looking like one of those days for the home team. Finally the breakthrough came - a great corner from Lee Baldwin saw Russ meeting it with his world famous "pogo" technique gliding between defenders to nod home. It looked a good header but Russ was later to admit he punched the ball in - ah well it counts!! Unbelievably The Claremont equalised pretty much straight away. A solid tackle from Shane Sutton was given as a foul on the edge of the box. As the free kick was taken Shane defending in the wall jumped with his arm covering his face - the ball struck it - penalty!!.A good firm strike beet Eddie "The Cat" - 1-1. The Sheaf knew they had to win to keep up the pressure on Angmering at the top of the table. They responded well - a free kick whipped in by the skipper Benny Whiffin caught the diving head of a defender and flew past his keeper - 2-1. It was soon 3-1 as another ball from Baldwin again found Russ who scored with a solid header. It was all The Sheaf now as the confidence flowed. The last goal was the goal of the game - a surge through midfield saw him break free of the defence the keeper rushed out to narrow the angle - everyone expected Shane to square it but he produced a great looping shot over the keeper and in to the net. The crowd went wild as Shane rushed over to celebrate with them.It could have been more but the game finished 4-1 - a pleasing win with a makeshift team and The Sheaf kept their unbeaten run going.
Eddie 7 (not much to do - clearly not a striker)
Scott T 7 (never really troubled)
Birch 7 (seen him play much better)
Scott A 7 (another solid peformance)
Bill 7 (calm and assured)
Lee 7.5 (couple of assists)
Benny 7 (led the team well)
Shane 7.5 (great work rate - great goal)
Villa 7 (just for playing through the pain)
Russ 8 (deadly in the air - good movement)
MOMSherwell 7 (low on confidence - needs a goal)
Raggy 7 (worked hard - good to see him back)
Thanks again to Steve Lewis for running the line - much appreciated.

Player Profile - Russell Chandler

In the second of our player profiles we interview Naval Officer Russell Chandler. Russell has been with the Wheatsheaf on and off for many years with his family being pub regulars. Russell is likened as a player to Steve McManaman but that is only because of his spindly legs rather than dribbling ability. In fact Russell has been known to be through on goal only to turn around and run the other way before giving away a foul. He has scored a couple of goals with his head this season, using his slighty frame to find between the defenders and using an unusual 'pogo' motion to head looping headers home.

As we know, the questions are crap. But until we get better ones we will have to stick with these. Hopefully Russell will give us an intelligent insight into his life as he is training to be a pilot with the Navy. A chat up line I have used many times before but here it is true.

So, Russell, as we know, I have very embarrassing New Years Eve footage that I'm withholding so I'm hoping for a good interview today.

Question 1, who would you say is the worst dressed player?

It would have to be Scott Taylor.

Which team mate do you most admire and why?

It would be Raggy. He reminds me off Beckham with his right foot and looks.

What has been your favourite moment for the Wheatsheaf?

Even though we lost, it would have to be the Cup Final. I don't play in many.

What attracted you to the Wheatsheaf?

Over the years the Wheatsheaf has had a succession of gorgeous barmaids. The turnover is quick though, which could be due to Kevin's famous cellar training.

Any pre-match superstitions?

I always pratice my 'pogo' heading for a couple few minutes. It's gives me extra bounce.

The thickest team mate, apart from Sheephead?

I would say Scott Taylor, he is very quiet but we he does say something I can't understand him.

Which team mate least likely to buy a round?

Fallick, as he never works. It would have been Birch but he bought his yearly round recently.

Name 3 dream dinner date?

Keely Hazel - great jugs

Winston Churchill - Great leader and former Naval man

Russ Abbot - I used to laugh my head watching him as a kid

Name an interesting fact about yourself?

My dad was a finalist in Stars in your Eyes in 1998 as Freddie Mercury.

Again, I think the public have been short changed. Maybe I'll have to post the dodgy videos.

Wheatsheaf 5 - Lavant 1

What a bizzare Sunday morning - the pitch frozen and Lavant turning up the earliest ever known from a Sunday morning team. As the groundstaff were still readying the pitch Lavant decided a game of FA Cup doubles would be an appropriate warm up before the game.As The Sheaf players finally began to gather the manager of Lavant decided to bring in the team sheet, resulting in more than 1 comment that he appeared to still be under the influence from the night before. With the late withdrawal of Eddie Whiffin The Sheaf were relying on volunteers to go between the sticks. Birch stubbornly refused to help out "I have done my bit" he was heard to mutter on more than one occasion. As things became desperate Rich Sherwell stood up to be counted "I will do it - I will take one for the team". Relief - at last the manager could go about picking the team. Once the keeper situation was sorted the rest was easy - especially as the team was down to the bare bones!! Scott "Lord Lucan" Taylor picked a great time to make his re-appearance slotting straight back in at right back. With Rich in goal skipper Benny Whiffin was paired up front with Russ Chandler.You just knew it was gonna be one of those days - Lavant with the majority of players still pissed had nothing to lose and came out with that attitude. Lurch up front was putting himself about and kicking anything that moved. The centre backs taking a few whacks after clearing the ball. The game was a scrappy affair, The Sheaf struggling to impose their superiorority and not creating many clear chances. Indeed Lavant took the lead - amazingly Lurch the goalscorer - a poor clearance falling to him 25 yards out and a strike into the roof of the net past Sherwell. The Sheaf were struggling to string 2 passes together and the game became a midfield battle. Lurch finally went into the book after one late tackle too far. After his goal he for some reason thought he could play football and decided to shoot every time he got the ball - this certainly kept the ball boys busy but they should have claimed danger money having to climb upon down the trees behind the goal. Just before half time the equaliser came out of the blue - Scott Taylor rampagaging forward from right back bundling his way through a couple of challenges shifting the ball to his left foot and firing home. The Sheaf were not playing well but were back on terms . Half - Time 1-1 - The manager obviously not happy asked his players to step it up in the 2nd half and try to keep the ball more. Most players agreed that the performance was just not good enough.The 2nd half began with The Sheaf on top. Better possession but still not many clear chances. Perseverance finally told when a good flick from Chandler found Taylor again bursting forward and a good strike to the far post beat the keeper to put The Sheaf in front. They didn't have to wait long for the next goal as the referee awarded a penalty for a blatant hand ball. Sherwell the normal penalty taker sprinted from his goal to take it calmly dispatching into the bottom corner. Finally The Sheaf could relax. Russ Chandler looking threatening was unlucky to see 2 chances cleared off the line in quick succession.Goal number 4 came when Whiffin found himself in space in the penalty area slotting past the keeper for his 1st of the season. Number 5 saw a deserved goal for Chandler after a flowing move. 5-1 somewhat flattering The Sheaf but pleasing that the win was comfortable when not playing at their best.The Sheafs unbeaten run continued but can they pick up from where they left off in the New Year?? A big thanks goes to Rich Sherwell for going in goal and Steve Lewis for running the line !
Sherwell 7 (some good saves and was never gonna miss the peno)
Scott T 8 (got the team back in it with 2 good goals) MOM
Birch 7 (steady peformance)
Scott A 7.5 (stood up well to the battering ram)
Bill 7.5 (must have big pockets to get Lurch in there!)
Shacks 7.5 (couple of great crosses)
Lee 7 (worked hard as per usual)
Shane 7 (does he ever stop running?)
Gav 7 (cultured left foot)
Benny 7.5 (held the ball up well bringing others into play)
Russ 7.5 (works hard for the team - good finish for the goal)

Arun View 2 - Wheatsheaf 2

A much tougher game was expected as 2 of the leagues form teams clashed on a festive morning at West Meads. Much anticipation centred around The Sheaf's trip to the recording studio and Christmas piss up scheduled for after the match. With James Fallick suffereing a fractured ankle the previous week, Matthew Birch struggling from a bad chest and Richard Ragless going down with a headache on the morning of the match the manager was again forced into changes. Club captain Benny Whiffin returned after hamstring trouble to partner Lee Baldwin in central midfield Russ Chandler taking Fallick's place up front and Shane Sutton coming in at right back.The game began with The Sheaf playing some good possession football, Villa on the left and Chandler up front particularly prominent. It wasn't long before the first clear chance of the game was created Sherwell going clear through but firing straight at the keeper. Almost immediately another chance this time to Chandler who like his strkie partner earlier should have done better. As it turned out this was to be the story of the half - chance after chance created by The Sheaf only for them to be wasted. Chandler obviously suffering from his lack of match practice the main culprit but he continued to run his socks off fo the team. Other chances fell to Sherwell and Shackleton and normally at least 2 or 3 of these would be taken. Arun View offered little except the long ball forward for their pacey striker to chase. The defence well marshalled by Bill and Scott with the Sutton's either side looking composed on the ball. The Sheaf were playing some excellent football and deserved to be leading. Villa was next to try a long range volley which the keeper did well to tip over. Just when it looked like the teams would go in all square a set piece was cleared as far as Shacks who took a touch and whipped in a cross - the ball taking a slight deflection before finding Bill's head as he angled it with pace past the keeper - half time 1-0 to The Sheaf.The 2nd half started with The Sheaf again on the front foot. Chandler with a great cross found Sherwell unmarked his header back across the keeper coming back off the post. Next Chandler went through but (just like Fallick on Fifa) shot straight at the keeper. Frustation began to tell and the manager let rip only to get a mouthful back from Chandler and then his strkie partner Sherwell. With Shane Sutton suffering from a dead lag an enforced change saw Dave Mac enter the fray with Shacks dropping in at right back. From nowhere Arun View started to get on top - after being totally dominated they had a spell of 10 minutes when they managed to finally test Eddie between the sticks. A burst down the left saw them get back on level terms with a well placed shot into the far corner. Amazingly they went in front almost straight away when after a good save from Eddie the ball fell to an Arun View player to scuff a shot towards goal. Bill on the goal line desperately tried to clear but as if in slow motion the ball went under his foot and trickled over the line.It now looked as if after dominating The Sheaf were going to lose. A las thow of the dice saw Steve Lewis launched up front in place of Sherwell. Arun View had a few more chances with Eddie producing some fine saves. With time running out a lay off from Chandler found Villa who struck a great shot from 30 yards which flew past the keeper into the roof of the net. 2-2 anyone could now win, the game becoming stretched.A good move from Arun View saw them poised to take the lead but a superb block from Shacks prevented an almost certain goal. At the other end Chandler again produced a great cross - Steve Lewis at the back stick looked destined to score the winner but somehow the ball missed his outstretched boot. A game that The Sheaf should have won but could so easily have lost ended in a draw. Disappointment but all was soon forgotten as the Christmas merryment began and everyone got smashed!! Roll on next week!Eddie 8 (long spells doing nothing - some graet saves)Shane 8 (defended well good use of the ball - was missed when subbed)Gav 8 (solid in defence got forward well)Scott 8 (had the pacey striker in his back pocket)Bill 8 (Mr Reliable - good header for the goal)Shacks 7 (has played better - crosses a great ball)Benny 7 (great for 60mins then fitness told)Lee 8 (worked hard - won the battle of the barnet with their skipper)Villa 8 (intelligent play constantly in space and what a goal)Sherwell 7 (Not his day - will be back on score sheet soon)Russ 7.5 (worked hard docked 0.5 for abusing the manager!)Dave Mac 6 (didn't really get in to the game)Steve 6 (as above but could have been the hero!!)